A Lech Lecha Parable

by Peretz Dissen 
<peretzd@actcom.co.il>
October 18, 2003

(Any resemblance to actual Biblical characters in the following
fictional account is non coincidental).
Apologies in advance ...

And the L-rd spoke to Abram and said, "You're 75 years old already, 
it's time for you to make Aliyah. Besides, it's much easier before 
you have children, you won't have to worry about them adapting and 
picking up the language. When you get there I promise you fame, 
fortune and family."

So Abram went to the local Aliyah office and spoke to the Shaliach.  
The Shaliach asked Abram how he intended to support his family 
when he arrived. Abram stated that he was in the hi-tek Kiruv field 
(he had invented a tent with quad-directional entry portals), and 
repeated the promise of fortune he had been guaranteed to receive. 
He also stated that he had survived a hot furnace, so summers 
would be no problem. The Shaliach, rolling his eyes, attempted to 
discourage him, ("I don't know if forming a start-up based on 
4x4 tents is viable"), then reluctantly agreed to approve him, 
and filled out the paperwork for Abram, his wife Sarai and his 
nephew Lot. The Shaliach then informed him that legally he was 
allowed to bring with him one of each type of cattle (male and
female), but if his nephew was old enough he was permitted to 
bring his own livestock with him. (He was not at all clear about 
what would happen if Abram exceeded this amount, or if brown cows 
and black cows were considered the same type.)

Abram packed up his family and his belongings. He decided to bring 
much more cattle than the Shaliach had said, as rumor had it that 
the selection of cattle in Canaan was limited and of poorer 
quality than in Ur Kasdim or Charan. He also brought many servants 
with him, as there apparently was an acute shortage of workers in 
the farming and several other industries. He then set off on his 
Aliyah journey.

Immediately after he arrived in Canaan, there was a severe 
downturn in the hi-tek Kiruv field due to famine, and he had to 
leave the country (temporarily) for economic reasons. Teudat 
Maavar in hand, he set off for Egypt, where in contrast to his 
experience entering Canaan, he had customs problems when they 
opened his lift and found Sarai hiding inside. With protexia from 
Above, however, the situation was resolved in his favor, and he 
received hefty Pitzuim (which could be taxed at 60%+ on his 
return to Canaan), and was escorted out of Egypt.

They returned to Canaan, where Abram claimed his newly acquired 
goods as his second lift. Shortly thereafter, Lot decided that 
Abram hadn't sufficiently acclimated culturally, as Abram's 
shepherds still did not allow their cattle to graze in other's 
fields. Lot, not wishing to be considered a 'friar', chose to 
join the newly independent, freewheeling society of Sodom.
Unluckily for him, the Matzav had taken a downward turn, and 
he got stuck in the middle of a major battle between kings. 
Abram was able to rescue him, starting a tradition of heroic 
feats (again, with protexia from Above), though he was condemned 
for 'unreasonable collateral damage'.

Abram and Sarai were still childless, so Abram, on Sarai's 
request, took her maid Hagar as a concubine, and had a child 
Ishmael, the first 'Israeli Arab'. ('nuff said)

...upcoming ........
Abram has minor surgery and is still waiting for a doctor's 
visit through his Kuppa 3 days later.....

After giving birth to Isaac, Sarah proves her fitness as a mother 
to Tipat Chalav, by nursing all the babies in the office......

Abraham pays many times the going rate for a piece of land in 
the right neighborhood in Chevron.........

Isaac returns to his father's wells and discovers that the 
local plumbers have filled the pipes with rocks, so he would 
have to redo them from scratch .....

.....

As always, Maaseh Avos Siman Levanim (Loosely: occurrences to 
the Forefathers, are indications for their children)