The following is a lrage compilation of Clinton jokes related to the the Monica Lewinsky affair. Most are rated R to X. You have been warned. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Clocks in Heaven A man passed away and went to heaven. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here." Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse. Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter, What's the deal with all the clocks?" St. Peter replied, "They keep track of everyone on earth. There is once clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any second." Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved forward one minute. Click. It moved forward another minute. "Sam must be closing on a deal right now," said St. Peter. "The minute hand of the clock moves all day long. The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man. "That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two." They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finalyy finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock but one. Where is president Clinton's kept?" St. Peters smiled and said, "Look up there. We use his for a ceiling fan." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Titanic vs Clinton A comparison of two recent videos: TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts. TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - IMPORTANT FINANCIAL NOTICE: 3 new bonds are being issued: * Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity * Gore bond: Has no interest * Clinton bond: Has no principle - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the Titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "quick, save the women and children!" Nixon: "screw the women and children." Clinton: "do we have time?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton get caught up in a tornado and transported to the yellow brick road, where they make their way to the Wizard of Oz. The Wizard asks what each wants. "I want a brain," says Quayle; "I want a heart", says Gingrich. "where's dorothy ?" asks Clinton. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - What advice did Arafat give to Clinton? "Sheep don't talk, my friend." What did Clinton say when he heard Paula Jones was speaking to the press? "Now she opens her mouth" What does Bill Clinton say to Hilary after sex ? "hi honey, i'll be home in 20 minutes." What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ANOTHER FINE DEMOCRAT TRADITION Subject: FW: Presidential Quiz 1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack? 2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant? 3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office? 4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister? 5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"? 6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband - and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign? 7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else? 8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary? 9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them? 10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)? 11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's? 12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")? ANSWERS 1. John F. Kennedy 2. Bill Clinton 3. Lyndon B. Johnson 4. Thomas Jefferson 5. Bill Clinton 6. Andrew Jackson 7. George Washington 8. Franklin D. Roosevelt 9. Warren G. Harding 10. John F. Kennedy 11. Lyndon B. Johnson 12. Lyndon B. Johnson - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Subject: FW: INTERN INSERTS BILL What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer? Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency! There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory. Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to sell her story? She said she will tell it Blow by Blow. What's Monica going to title her memories? "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!" Q:Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton? A:Monica swallowed the evidence Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? She's withholding evidence. Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver? A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns. Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill? Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face. Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. --"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!" Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup" --His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup" What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common? Answer: They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here." As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr.President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?" Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird? -the spread eagle A reporter asked Clinton one day. " Was Monica lying?" Clinton responded by saying. " No, she was on her knees. Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady. The Spelling Bee...Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word. Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None, they are to busy screwing the President. Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% said "Not again." Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense... Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in deposition! He told her to lie in THIS position.... Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town. Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. Five Presidents Five of our Presidents: Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg. Ford screamed, "What should we do?" Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats!" Carter said, "Women and children first!" Nixon said, "Screw the women and children." Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Summer Nights at the White House Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast" Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast" Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me" Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees" Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights" Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Tripp: "try to remember your best" Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?" Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp" Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my pants damp" Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House" Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth: Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Tripp: "he sounds like a swell guy" Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Starr: "Did he tell you to lie?" Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess" Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress" Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow" Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now" Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams But.........oh those White House Nights" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS CLINTON *SHOULD* HAVE GIVEN "Members of Congress, people of America... I stand before you tonight to say, 'Yes, I banged her. I banged her like a gong at a Chinese New Year's celebration.' Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. "Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary. I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, protested the war, hid FBI files, inhaled, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Chinese wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, rented the Lincoln bedroom out like a Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. "Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a smart move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who made decisions with advice from Nancy's astrologist and slept through Iran-Contra meetings. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Ford was an accident and clumsy to boot. Nixon coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability' and got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad, war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was more than a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Eisenhower was poking his English driver while driving the Germans out of France, and Roosevelt died with his mistress present, not Eleanor. "This brings me back to my main point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact, by the way, that the press didn't seem to care about at the time. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat instead of where his next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here, I'm doing a damn fine job, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. "What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter. Unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too upset over where I'm parking the Presidential limousine. "Thank you, and good night."