ABBOTT & COSTELLO LEARN HEBREW by Rabbi Jack Moline ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson. COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn. A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing. C: Sure, I understand. A: Now, don't be too quick to say that. C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same. A: Precisely. C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew? A: No, no. Precisely is an English word. C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew. A: Fine. Let's start with mee. C: You. A: No , mee. C: Fine, we'll start with you. A: No, we'll start with mee. C: Okay, have it your way. A: Now, mee is who. C: You is Abbott. A: No, no, no. Mee is who. C: You is Abbott. A: You don't understand. C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who? A: Yes I did. Mee is who. C: You is Abbott. A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee. C: Well, you're a nice enough guy. A: No, no. Tell me about mee! C: Who? A: Precisely. C: Precisely what? A: Precisely who. C: It's precisely whom! A: No, mee is who. C: Don't start that again-go on to something else. A: All right. Hu is he. C: Who is he? A: Yes. C: I don't know. Who is he? A: Sure you do. You just said it. C: I just said what? A: Hu is he. C: Who is he? A: Precisely. C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who? A: No, precisely hee. C: Precisely he? Who is he? A: Precisely! C: And what about me? A: Hu. C : me, me, me! A : Hu, hu, hu! C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me? A : No, hu is he! C: I don't know I maybe he is me! A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT) C: Do his parents know about this? A: About what? C: About her! A: What about her? C: That she is he! A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she! C:' Then who is he? A: Precisely! C: Who? A: He! C: Me? A: Hu! C: He? A; She! C Who is she? A: No, hu is he. C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she? A: No, that's not right. C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me. A: Hu. C: Who? A: Precisely! C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me! A: No, hee is she! C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review. A: Go ahead. C: Now first You want to know me is who. A: Correct. C: And then you say who is he. A: Absolutely. C : And then you tell me he is she. A & C: Precisely! C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she? A: Who? C: She! A: That is he! C: Who is he? A & C: Precisely! C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma! A: What. C I said Ma. A: What. Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma! A: What! C: Not what, who! A: He! C: Not he! Ma is not he! A: Of course not! Hu is he! C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog. A: Fish. C Fish? A: Dag is fish. C: That's all, I'm outa here.