Preparations Have Been Completed As Per Your Directions 

The annual pre-High Holiday report 
by Jordan Max 

 
Memo To: The Lord 

From: Gabriel, Archangel 

RE: Annual Report - 5758 (29 Elul)

On behalf of the Senior Management Group and all the angels in Head 
Office, I am pleased to be reporting once again on our Rosh Hashanah 
preparations, as well as to provide with our annual world report as 
per the SMG's performance contract. 

Firstly, let me assure you that all preparations have been completed 
as per your directions. The Repent Committee in the Chosen People 
Division has been working quite hard to make this our best 
Rosh Hashanah ever. Numerous improvements have been made from last year. 
Firstly, all individual appointments with yourself have been scheduled, 
including both your human and heavenly subjects. Please do your best 
to keep to the schedule. To better assist you, all personal files have 
been opened and 5759 forecasts have been drafted for all of your human 
subjects, although they may be revised at your discretion, should 
penitents achieve the appropriate Repent thresholds (see Repent Manual, 
policy 0202-04). Two tanker trucks full of Justice and Mercy are ready 
for your use as you see fit. The Book of Judgement's software has been 
upgraded and Avraham Avinu (#114) has been able to install considerably 
more RAM. We are ready to assist as you require, subject to the work 
breaks stipulated in our Collective Agreement. We have again hired 
Leviathan Caterers for your annual sponsored kiddush. Naturally, 
they are under your kashrut supervision. 

Turning to the state of the world, as you know (of course), things were 
extremely challenging and busy for us this past year. I wish to stress 
that as a bureaucracy, we were in no way, shape or form, responsible 
for the following items this past year; the collapse of the Russian 
ruble and banking system, worldwide stock market meltdowns, delays in 
the Middle East Peace Process, the Lewinsky/Clinton/Starr episode, 
the movie "Spiceworld", the return of bellbottoms and the Volkswagen 
Beetle, the entire Swiss Bank scandal, the Asian economic failure, 
America online, the Y2K Bug, Cuba, Iraq, North Korea, Bosnia, or Libya. 
These are of course the sole jurisdiction of Chaos Incorporated, 
our offshore competitor. 

As for the functioning of your faithful bureaucracy, I am pleased to 
report that all Divisions are functioning at full capacity. Briefly, 
your Chosen People Division reports record number of simchas and 
conversions, but regrets that intermarriage is also way up. A special 
task force has been struck to investigate. The Mitzvah department 
reports substantial growth in activity, while unfortunately, the 
transgressions department also reports substantial growth. 
The Moshiach Preparations department is extremely pleased to report 
that after considerable effort, Oreos went kosher this year. As in 
every other year, Operation Moshiach is ready, awaiting your approval 
and fiscal resourcing.

Angel Resources Division reports that a strike of the Angels' Union 
was narrowly averted due to successful re-negotiation of the collective 
agreement. As a result, angels (levels 1-3) will receive shorter work 
weeks and 10 more minutes in the World to Come, plus 3 weeks vacation, 
not to be taken during the holidays. Of particular note is the early 
retirement of the Tooth Fairy. You will recall she filed for long 
term disability benefits due to wear and tear which she attributes 
to the inflationary pressure of payments and the conversion of many 
currencies from paper to coins. We will be recruiting for her 
replacement shortly. The Business and Accounting Division reports a 
balanced budget yet again, through the introduction of Initiation 
and Building Fund fees for our newest members. This was necessary 
to offset the Tooth Fairy claim and increased payments for children's 
teeth. 

In closing, overall, it was a very busy and challenging year. We seek 
your forgiveness for our errors not due to lack of training or 
proper supervision and look forward to the coming year in serving 
you with professionalism and ceaseless devotion. Amen. Selah. 

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Jordan Max is a freelance humorist based in Toronto, Canada, 
who writes a regular humor column for the Canadian Jewish News