Rodney Dangerfield  [1921 - 2004]

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being
ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me
to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go
and keep an eye on it.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at
my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I
said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.