"Marriage Decision Questionnaire" Part 1 (questions to ask yourself) 1. What are my major reasons for wanting to marry this person? - Her daddy and his shotgun. 2. Why do I think I will have a good marriage if I marry this person? - Because my last 6 marriages were just fine... until the divorce. 3.What are my major expectations of this person after marriage? Is he/she aware of these expectations? - I expect her to grow 9 inches and aquire a personality. She is aware of these expectations since I stapled a note to her foot listing them (in Swedish). 4. How does my potential spouse view my role in marriage? - I'll be in charge of belching. 5. Do I know this person's: a) goals and aspirations - She want's to retire on a disability pension from her job at the foundry. - Hopes to become a professional rodeo star. b)main strengths - She can bench-press about 360 pounds. c) main weaknesses? - Double Chocolate Cheesecake 6. What do I like/dislike about this person? - I like her unpredictable nature. - I dislike her unpredictable nature. 7. In what ways are we a) Similar? - Facial hair. - Both enjoy movies about women convicts in prison. b) Different? - She's from Venus. I'm from Mars. - She HAS GILLs. c) What difficulties could be caused by the differences? - Severe expense in visiting the in-laws. - Need for her to stay immersed in water at all times. 8. What is my ideal picture of the person I want to marry? - Mrs. Brady Is this person similar or different? - Similar except for her cute habits like biting the heads off of live chickens while doing wheelies on her Harly down at the local supermarket. 9. What positive traits are most important in the person I marry? - An ability to keep track of what is going on. Does this person have them? - Have what? 10. What negative traits would I not want my spouse to have? - Domineering, Pushy. Does this person have them? - She says I'd better write "NO". 11. Which of my negative traits is the person not aware of? - My tendency to turn into a werewolf during the full moon. What will the reaction be? - Sheer, unmitigated terror. 12. Does the person accept the real me? - Of course not. I'd never go out with somebody with such low standards. 13. Am I hoping this person will change in important areas after marriage? - I hope she will be responsible for all "changing" in the marriage. On what do I base this hope? - On the basis that just the thought of diapers makes me feel queasy. If the person doesn't change, then what? - We'll put down newspaper and let the kids walk around naked. 14. In what ways do we think alike? - We both always cheer for the bad guys in movies. Different? - I didn't get into a hysterical laughing fit when they shot "Old Yeller". 15. In what ways are our family backgrounds similar? - We have the same parents. Different? - Mom liked me best. What difficulties could arise because of the differences? - I may end up liking my mother-in-law more than she likes hers. 16. What faults and weaknesses in myself might be at the root of my wanting to marry this person? - It may be my laziness in getting my own beer from the fridge. 17. Do I have any inner feelings that I am likely making a mistake? - Nope. Best decision I've made since I voted for Joerg Haider. 18. Are there external pressures influencing my decision? - You mean like the shotgun? Would I still marry this person without these influences? - Sure. The chainsaw looks kinda scary too. 19. How does this person bring out my virtues? - What virtues? Faults? Weaknesses? - She's pretty good at it but there is still room for improvement. 20. Which reliable and unbiased people have I consulted or could I consult about this person? - Madam Olga, The Matchmaking Mystic - Jerry Springer's audience