IBM Customer Executive Conference Quotes 1. Pressure is playing for $50 a hole with only $5 in your pocket. --- Lee Trevino 2. A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose. --- Farmers Almanac 3. If you think OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble. 4. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. --- Wilcox's Law 5. All kookies are not in a jar. 6. I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell. --- Harry Truman 7. Legend --- a lie that has attained the dignity of age. --- H. L. Mencken 8. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. 9. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. --- Horner's Five-Thump Postulate 10. Wet manure is slippery. --- OSHA discovery 11. A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a leader. --- Harry Truman 12. Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right. 13. People will buy anything that's one to a customer. --- Lewis' Law 14. Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. --- Will Rogers 15. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. --- Jones' Law 16. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --- Will Rogers 17. The scenery only changes for the lead dog. 18. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work 19. The good die young --- because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. --- John Barrymore 20. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane. 21. When better business decisions are made, economists won't make them. --- H. V. Prochnow 22. Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability. --- Boyle's Law 23. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. --- Frank Adams 24. Mrs. Murphy's Law --- Mr. Murphy was an optimist. 25. If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 26. Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration. 27. Old age is an incurable disease. 28. For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash. --- Orben's Packaging Discovery 29. Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. --- F. M. Knowles 30. Diplomacy --- the art of saying ``Nice doggie'' 'til you can find a stick. --- Wynn Catlin} 31. You can't fall off the floor. --- Murphy's Law 32. Just when I finally figure out where it's at somebody moves it. --- Chataqua Boulevard Law 33. You should have seen it when I got it. --- Bureaucratic Cop-out 34. Fans don't boo ``nobodies''. 35. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. --- Milton Berle 36. I'm proud of paying taxes. The only thing is --- I could be just as proud for half the money. --- Arthur Godfrey 37. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. --- Earl Wilson 38. I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the same opportunity. --- Mark Twain 39. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. --- Mark Waldrip 40. If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati --- everything comes there ten years later. --- Will Rogers 41. Lawyers are like beavers. They get in the main stream and jam it up. --- W. Freund} 42. One place where you're sure to find the perfect driver is in the back seat. --- Homer Phillips 43. Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. --- W. C. Fields 44. Aaeeeyaayaaayaaya. --- Johnny Weismuller 45. Gray hair is God's graffiti. --- Bill Cosby 46. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. 47. I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire. --- Lewis Timberlake 48. 95% of this game is half mental. --- Yogi Berra 49. Taco Bell is not a Mexican telephone company. 50. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. --- Canada Bill Jones 51. A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. --- C. E. Ayers 52. To get maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big mistake. 53. Familiarity breeds contempt --- and children. --- Mark Twain 54. Interchangable parts won't. 55. Pick good people --- talent never wears out. 56. Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme. 57. When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut. --- Beauregard's Law 58. Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. --- Greener's Law 59. An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him. --- Kelly's Law 60. Our elections are free --- it's in the results where eventually we pay. --- Bill Stern 61. No man's credit is as good as his money. --- E. W. Howe} 62. Cadillacs are down at the end of the bat. --- Ralph Kiner 63. We have deep depth. --- Yogi Berra 64. We made too many wrong mistakes. --- Yogi Berra 65. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. --- Casey Stengel 66. If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. --- Mickey Mantle 67. We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren't drinkin' aren't hittin'. --- Casey Stengel 68. I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a drifter. --- Lee Iacocca 69. Once over the hill you pick up speed. 70. Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts. 71. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. 72. Warning on a sports car: ``The keys are on the seat next to the doberman''. 73. In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. --- Kathy Norris 74. The trick is to stop thinking it is `your' money. --- IRS auditor 75. The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease! Sometimes it gets replaced. --- Vic Gold 76. After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. --- Murphy's Corollary 77. Another basic law: If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. --- Fiedler's Forecasting Rules 78. He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints. --- Joan L. Brannon 79. Genius without education is like silver in the mine. --- Ben Franklin 80. Creditors have better memories than debtors. --- Ben Franklin 81. There is nothing so habit forming as money. --- Dan Marquis 82. When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. --- Mark Twain 83. Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. --- Oliver Wendell Holmes 84. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. 85. People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. --- Comins' Law 86. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. --- Nixon's Principle 87. Did you ever hear of a self-made failure? 88. There's no fool like an old fool --- you can't beat experience. --- Jacob Braude 89. Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself. --- Bits & Pieces 90. Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it. 91. Don't be irreplacable. If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted. 92. Fact without theory is trivia. Theory without fact is bullshit. 93. If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true. 94. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 95. If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got. 96. Whatever you have, you must either use or lose. --- Henry Ford 97. The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. 98. When you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, ``I'M DOWN AND OUT!''. 99. We will have the answers for you tomorrow morning! 100. Adolescents --- children old enough to dress by themselves, if they could just remember where they last saw their clothes. 101. It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose. 102. If you think you can, or if you think you can't you're right! 103. You can observe a lot by just watching. --- Yogi Berra 104. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on bugs. 105. I once worked as a salesman and was very independent. I took orders from no one! --- Gerand Barzan 106. Are you man or mouse? Squeak up! 107. A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. --- Joey Adams 108. If you hit a home run you can take your time running the bases. --- Casey Stengel 109. Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb. --- Caroline Donnelly 110. Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked ``petite'' and hold on to the receipt. 111. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires. 112. Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality to be accountants. 113. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. --- George Burns 114. In Mexico we have a word for sushi --- bait. --- Jose' Simon 115. In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the party always finds you. --- Yakov Smirnoff 116. There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting. --- George Carlin 117. If you don't make dust you eat dust.