(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house." 
* Steven Seagal 

(2) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." 
* Jeff Foxworthy 

(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, 
and only enough blood to run one at a time." 
* Robin Williams 

(4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and 
saving infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base." 
* Dave Barry 

(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on 
them?" 
* Marilyn Pittman 

(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we 
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should
be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to
find you a temp." 
* Bob Ettinger 

(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her 
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they 
weren't trying to teach you how to swim." 
* Paula Poundstone 

(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better 
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of 
that study: "Duh." 
* Conan O'Brien 

(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house s the day Sears 
comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." 
* Roseanne 

(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people 
in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, 
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" 
* Richard Jeni 

(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the 
impersonators would be dead." 
* Johnny Carson 

(13) "Sometimes, I think war is God's way of teaching us 
geography." 
* Paul Rodriguez 

(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 
sixty, and that's the law." 
* Jerry Seinfeld 

(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up 
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?" 
* Warren Hutcherson 

(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same." 
* Oscar Wilde 

(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an 
institution yet." 
* Mae West 

(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a 
member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself." 
* Mark Twain 

(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. 
At least they can find Kuwait." 
* A. Whitney Brown 

(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip 
out a man's genitals through his wallet," 
* Robin Williams 

(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of
it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." 
* Roseanne 

(22) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'" 
* Dave Barry 

(23) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." 
* George Carlin 

(24) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died 
peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in
her car."
* Author Unknown 

(25) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" 

(26) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so!
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." 
* Drew Carey