More Steven Wright One-liners

 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
 - Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets thecheese
 - I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
 - I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 - If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
 - Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
 - The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 - When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
 - 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
 - Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
 - Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
 - If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
 - Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
 - Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
 - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 - Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
 - How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
 - Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
 - Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
 - Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
 - For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 - Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
 - Black holes are where God divided by zero.
 - All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
 - I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.