I'd Rather Live in Israel

By Sam Orbaum (humor column)
July 20, 2001

I saw in the paper that Canada is rated the most livable
country in the world. Israel came in at about 23rd.

Y'see what I'm always saying about anti-Semitism?

I lived in Canada, and I can tell you, this is wrong.
Canada should be 23rd at best. And it goes without saying
that Israel should be No. 1.

For instance, November in Israel. I lift my head off my
ultra-comfortable Kiryat Gat-manufactured pillow, open the
trissim (unavailable in Canada), and decide I can still wear
shorts and a T-shirt.

In Canada, in November, I'd be hacking at the triple-glazed
windows with a harpoon to clear some ice to check how deep
the snowdrifts are, and decide on thermal underwear, lumberjack
shirt, ski sweater, Eskimo parka, triple-thick socks, mukluks;
earmuffs and tuque - just to retrieve the newspaper from the porch.

The newspaper will have to be thawed in the toaster oven, but it's
not worth the bother because, unlike over here, over there nothing
ever happens, so why do they even need newspapers?

There are usually two or three warm days a year when Canadians can
wear shorts and a T-shirt, but they have to bring along an umbrella
and rain boots just in case.

Over there, summer is a brief season that separates the winters.
Summers are great in Canada, because at least it's only raining.
In Israel, there's not a cloud in the sky for six months.

They like to say that rain you don't have to shovel, but they
overlook the fact that what floods their basements every year is
not snow. Here, we get precisely as much annual precipitation as
our yearly water consumption requires.

In Canada, wherever you go, you have to detour around huge lakes
and seas, so it takes much longer to get places. In Israel, we
have one little lake far away, and our seas are conveniently
placed along the sides.

In Israel, you could spit a sunflower seed from the west coast to
the east coast; in Canada, Apollo 11 couldn't get from one end
to the other. In the other directions, Canada's ajoke: y'ever
hear anyone say, "I'm goin' up to the north coast for a vacation,
eh?"? And to go south, they have to leave the country. That is
because Canada's entire population lives along one road,
the Trans Canada Highway, which, unlike the Trans Israel Highway,
no one objects to because who gets excited about paving over holy
Canadian land?

Here, every grain is holy, every rock is worth a debate in the
United Nations.

And that's another thing. Does the UN ever condemn Canada?

Circulate a poll around the world about Canada, and 99 percent
will respond "No opinion." Ask about Israel, and 99 percent
will have an opinion, even if it's negative.

Canada has the longest unguarded border in the world, which
means undesirable Americans can enter at will. Just let them
try sneaking into Israel!
(We've got laws about things like that.)

Canada has indigenous natives and territories, just like Israel,
but they put their natives into reservations, while we give ours
land to create their own country. And this proves everything:
Yukon Territory and the Northwest Territories are as much a part
of Canada as the territories (including Ma'aleh Adumim and Efrat)
are a part of Israel, but over there, nobody's willing to go to
war over the chance to live there, and that's because Canada is
unlivable.

Canada has more Goyim per capita than Israel, so the Jews
have to behave, while here, we're free ti behave like
shkotzim if we want, which many do.

Oh sure, they have hockey over there, but all the Canadian
teams suck.

Israelis commit crimes in Canada and then escape to Israel -
it doesn't happen often,  but it never happens the other way
around. The reason is obvious.

Israel is crawling with soldiers, which can only mean it's
safer here.

BUREAUCRACY IS much better in Israel. In Canada, you get a
form to fill in, and eventually you get an answer, yes or
no. Here, you're treated like a human being. Our bureaucrats
excel at interpersonal skills, they get involved, they care:
you won't just be given a form to fill until they've had a
chat with you. "What's your problem?" they'll ask, and "Wait"
(i.e., let's spend some time together) and "Come back
tomorrow" (i.e., let's talk some more). Eventually you get
an answer, no, because they know that as an Israeli you
should be satisfied with what you've got.

There's so much more lax money for our goveniment to improve
our quality of life with.

Housing is an important aspect of livability, and here again,
there's no comparison. In Canada, unless you live in an igloo or
at the Salvation Anny, you have two or three stories with so
many rooms that a family never sees one another except at
weddings. Like, who needs a living room and a den and an
office and a work room and a guest room and a spare room,
not to mention a spacious attic and a fully furnished basanent,
two-car garage, driveway, front lawn and backyaid, and built-in
skating rink? That's for your basic Canadian three-person
family, and does not include the summer cottage. For a basic,
average Israeli family of six (not including the relatives and
neighbors who come and go), a living room is all we need, and
who doesn't have one?

You know what it's like to furnish a Canadian home?
Or to clean one?

Tell me this doesn't prove everything:
Canadian homes have wooden floors (it's such an embarrassment
that they put down wall-to-wall carpeting). Here? Marble.

You know what it's like to drive there?
It's so boring, it's dangerous.

All the roads are straight, everyone drives safely, nobody goes
too fast. It's hard to stay awake, unlike here, where you have
to be constantly alert even when your car is parked.

In Canada, they're always making you feel guilty about things
like recycling, environmentalism, air quality, neighborliness,
excess noise, civic pride. Here, we are not bothered about such
things, and no one feels guilty.

Regarding food, it's no contest. While it is tnie that you
can't get a Schwartz's smoked-meat sandwich in Israel, and the
best lox on earth is from Canada, and there's nothing like a
Montreal bagel, and a simple Canadian steak is the size of a
cow and a half, a simple plate of humous in Canada is considered
"exotic fare" and "ethnic" and therefore costs double.

There is only one time zone in Israel, which proves everything.

If you get tired of being in Canada (and who wouldn't?) you can
get in your car and visit the US, which is the same thing only
less so. To see some place considered different, you have to
spend many hours in a plane.

Not us. No one's more than a IO-minute drive from such exotic
destinations as Lebanon, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Egypt.
Soon, too, thankfully, Palestine. And by plane, just a couple
of hours away, the biggest problem is the choice:
Armenia, Macedonia, Romania, Albania, Azerbaijan.

And you know what? Israelis would rather stay in Israel,
because life is so livable here!

What Canadian wouldn't love to vacation at the Mediterranean
Sea? What Israeli would want to vacation at Baffin Bay?

Canadians join the army for the chance to serve in the vicinity
of this great country, but no Israeli soldier would even
hope to (to miluim in Canada. The reason is obvious.

In Canada, Shabbat just isn't Shabbat.

Where would you rather call home, Safed, or Moose Jaw?
Jerusalem, or Medicine Hat?

If Canada's so great, how come so few people live there?
There's enough space in Canada for every single human being on
earth, as long as no one wants to lie down, but the population
density is only eight per square mile. There are 90 times as
many Israelis in a given space (719 per square mile, or,
converted into Israeli terms, 84.5persons per Egged bus),
which proves that, if so many people live here, Israel is
more livable.

Finally, there's this: according to statistics, Canadians are
less likely to be alive (11.86 births per 1,000, compared to
19.83 in Israel), and how can you call a country "livable" when
people are dropping like flies (7.26 deaths per 1,000 Canadians,
compared to 6.16 for Israeli persons and 7.26 for Israeli flies)?
And there's a reason for this: in Canada, there is one doctor
for every 534 people (including Canadians who are perfectly
healthy, which seems like a waste of doctors). In Israel,
where we eat much more gefilte fish and hilbe than Canadians
do, and much less whale blubber, there are 206 physicians for
every Israeli (my source book says one physician for every
206 Israelis, but they obviously got it backwards).
See?
The life expectancy for males in the snow and ice and slush is
76.12 years (if you call that living), while here we live to
a ripe old 76.71. During that extra 215 days, eight hours and
seven minutes when they're dead and-we're still alive, it's more
livable here; go argue with that.

(Dedicated to my old friend Mike Marmor, and his family, who are
making aliya from Canada on Sunday. Trust me, Mike,
it's better overhere.)