Yasser phones Osama
By Ron Dermer

(October 11) Palestinian Authority Chairman Yasser Arafat: 
Salam al-eikem, Osama. How are you? 

Osama bin Laden: I'm fine, habbibi. It's difficult living on 
the run, but with Allah's help I'll survive. 

A: Believe me, I know the feeling. But have faith. 
If you play your cards right, you might one day be running a 
state of your own. 

bL: Yasser, I think you've been putting too much hashish in 
your pipe. 

A: Hey, if I can go from terrorist to peacemaker, so can you. 

bL: How? 

A: Look, I founded my terrorist network in 1964 when Lyndon 
Johnson was the president of America. 

bL: So what? He's dead 

A: Exactly. So is Richard Nixon. Meanwhile Gerald Ford, 
Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, Papa Bush and Bill Clinton are 
collecting their pensions. As for me, I'm still calling the shots. 

bL: I'm not following. 

A: Be patient Osa. Presidents come and go, and democratic nations 
have short memories. We even had one of our boys knock off Bobby 
Kennedy, and today they serve me baklava at the White House. 

bL: I'm still not following. 

A: Listen. As crazy as it may sound today, you too can get an 
invitation one day to the White House and sign a "peace" agreement. 
You'll promise to resolve your differences through a peaceful 
dialogue of civilizations [laughter], then they'll give you a 
state of your own. 
Who knows, you might even win the Noble Peace Prize? 

bL: Sounds great. But how do I do it? 

A: So far, you're doing fine. But eventually, you'll have to lie 
before you can start bombing again. I bombed myself out of Jordan 
and Lebanon and then lied my way into Ramallah and Gaza. 
Now, I do both and they call me a statesman [laughter]. 

bL: So I should start lying? 

A: No, first you have to kill thousands more in your jihad before 
you can be truly admired for your bravery. 

bL: Admired for my bravery? But our brothers already revere me. 

A: Try to pay attention. I was playing this game when you were 
still wetting your shalwar-kameez. 
Being revered by our brothers is easy. 
It's being revered at the same time by the West that's tricky. 
I've killed babies, children, mothers and fathers after Oslo, 
and the Israelis are still begging to talk to me. The Americans? 
They're clueless. The British? They must be teaching courses in 
groveling at the Foreign Office. And the French? [laughter] 

bL: How do you get away with it? How can you kill and still be 
loved by the West? 

A: All you have to remember is the three Ls. Lie. Lie. Lie. 
People in the West are easy to dupe because they want to believe 
that leopards can change their spots. Besides, those idiots 
actually think we can afford to cut off their oil supplies - yeah, 
and concentrate on hi-tech [laughter]. 

bL: So what do I have to do besides lie? 

A: First, deny that you were involved in the Trade Center and 
Pentagon attacks. 

bL: I did that. 

A: Good! Now have your friends set up satellite organizations so 
that you can deny responsibility for further terror. 

bL: Like what kind of organizations? 

A: Like Fatah, Tanzim, PFLP, Islamic Jihad, Hamas - do I have to 
spell everything out for you? 

bL: But how do I do all this and stay alive? 

A: I can help with that. It's the least I can do for you. 
After all, your recent statement of support made my job so 
much easier. 

bL: How can you help me? 

A: I can buy you time. I can make sure the whole Arab world 
insists that the problem of the poor depraved Palestinians 
yearning to be free [laughter] is resolved first. 
The Americans are going to be stuck. 
They'll be scared to move against you without others in the 
Muslim world behind them. And if they try to support me, 
the Israelis and their friends in Congress will start screaming. 
Good old gridlock, habbibi. 

This will wear them down, and give you time to escape to set up 
your satellite terrorist cells. This game can go on for months, 
if not years. 

bL: Let me see if I got this right. You are going to continue 
lying to the West that you are seeking a peaceful solution with 
those Zionist pigs. That will delay their attacks against me and 
give me a chance to build my operation and protect myself. 

A: You got it. But you really don't have to hold out too long. 
Saddam and Khomeini will have nukes, and so the infidels will be 
bowing down to Allah in no time. Hell, if the Jews hadn't blown 
up the reactor at Osirak in '81, we could be sharing a bowl of 
humus in the safety of downtown Baghdad right now. 
How is Saddam anyway? 

bL: He's great and he sends regards. 

A: Trust me Osama, we'll bring the free world to its knees before 
you can say "Big Apple." After all, if you can break it there, 
you could break it anywhere [laughter].