These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report ) --
performance appraisal for the military

          - Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
          - Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
          - A room temperature IQ.
          - A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
            ignoramus.
          - A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
          - A prime candidate for natural deselection.
          - Bright as Alaska in December.
          - One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
          - Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
          - Fell out of the family tree.
          - Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
            coming.
          - Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for
            it.
          - He's so dense, light bends around him.
          - If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
          - If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
            week.
          - If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
          - If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
          - It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
          - One neuron short of a synapse.
          - Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
          - Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
          - Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
          - Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


Problems in the gene pool?

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit  card.  She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained
that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card
with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck would have it,
they matched.

      --------

      Warning!

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit
card/bank card readers at the checkout stands.  If you don't
know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the
checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

Editor's Note:  Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

      --------

Idiots and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described  the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.  My boss said,
"Really?  Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

      --------
Idiots in the Neighborhood

I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:  Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross there.

      ------------

Idiots Are Easy To Please

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her that the
amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.  Needless to
say, she was very disappointed.

      ---------

Idiots Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to
visit her for the holidays.  Someone asked how old her sister was,
at  which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half
as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat...  So every year
that you age, she only ages half a year?"  My co-worker thought about
that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

      --------

Careers For Idiots:

At a stoplight, an Individual turned to me and pondered,
"I wonder how much money those men in the booths make?"

"What men in the booths?" I replied (noting no booths were in view).

"YOU KNOW, the ones who work for the government and watch the
stoplights. That way, when a car comes to an intersection that isn't
busy, they turn the light green for that car."

I told her the salary was quite high and maybe she should go and apply;
the government is always looking for intelligent people.