Funny Quotes

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
- George Burns

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
- Mel Brooks

- We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

Sports is the toy department of human life.
- Howard Cosell

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
- Groucho Marx

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
- Groucho Marx

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
- George Burns

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
- Joan Rivers

There are really only three types of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who say, 'What happened?'
- Ann Landers

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
- Gilda Radner

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- Albert Einstein

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle

Laughter is an instant vacation.
- Milton Berle

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge the other guy's out dancing.
- Buddy Hackett

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller