Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband? A. She has a headache with the mailman. ______________________________________________ Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get? A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck! ______________________________________________ Bar Mitzvah Definition: A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one. ______________________________________________ How do Jews actually practice their religion in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do? From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" 1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat. 2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat. 3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat). 4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home. 5. I keep 3 sets of dishes -- for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food. ______________________________________________ A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you." ______________________________________________ "A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine" If you want varnishkas, press 1; If you want knishes press 2; If you want chicken soup, press 3; If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4; If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling. ______________________________________________ A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "shiksa." The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied. The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos." "See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."