LINES FROM ACTUAL RESUMES as reported by Fortune magazine I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. It's best for employers that I not work with people. Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping." I have never quit a job. Marital status: often. Children: various. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. Finished eighth in my class of ten. --------------------------------------------------------------- Interviews We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. From a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations, here are some of the stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: "... said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent." "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." "... brought her large dog to the interview." "...She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." "Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." "Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle." "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office." "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." "... wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police." "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." "...had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him." "...bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet." "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, the applicant went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." "Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer I had made was formal." "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." "An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus." "He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped." "He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time." "He whistled when the interviewer was talking." "...she threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened." "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."