All you ever wanted to know about Marx Brothers incidents... From The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes Clifton Fadiman, General Editor MARX, Chico [Leonard] (1891-1961), US movie comedian, one of the famous Marx Brothers. 1. Marx's wife had caught him kissing a chorus girl. During the ensuing row, Chico declared: "I wasn't kissing her. I was wispering in her mouth." 2. A new neighbor, not recognizing Chico, asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a smuggler," announced Chico, then, reassuringly, "Nothing big. Just Mexicans." 3. Chico wrote Heywood Broun a check to pay off some gambling debts, warning him not to cash it before twelve o'clock the following day. Broun later complained to Chico that the check had bounced. Chico asked: "What time did you try to cash it?" "Twelve-o-five." "Too late." MARX, Groucho [Julius] (1895-1977), US comedian, one of the famous Marx Brothers. 1. Groucho was working in the garden of his California house, dressed in tattered and ancient clothes. A wealthy matron in a Cadillac caught sight of him, stopped, and wondered whether she might persuade the supposed gardener to come and work for her. "Gardener," she called, "how much does the lady of the house pay you?" Groucho looked up. "Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," he replied. "The lady of the house just lets me sleep with her." 2. Groucho was descending in the elevator of the Hotel Danieli in Venice. On the third floor the elevator stopped and a group of priests entered. One of them, recognizing Groucho, told him that his mother was a great fan of his. "I didn't know you guys were allowed to have mothers," said Groucho. 3. When Groucho wanted to join a certain beach club in Santa Monica, California, he was told by a friend that as the club was known to be anti-Semitic he might as well not bother to apply. "But my wife isn't Jewish," replied Groucho, "so will they let my son go into the water up to his knees?" {This story and the one following, however, are both probably apocryphal.} 4. Groucho sent a telegram to the exclusive Friar's Club in Hollywood, to which he belonged: "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." 5. The maitre d'hotel stopped Groucho as he was about to enter the dining room of a smart Los Angeles hotel. "I am sorry, sir, but you have no necktie." "That's all right," said Groucho, "don't be sorry. I remember the time I had no pants." "I am sorry sir," repeated the man, "you cannot enter the dining room without a necktie." Groucho caught sight of a bald man in the center of the dining room and yelled, "Look! Look at him! You won't let me in without a necktie, but you let him in without his hair!" 6. Groucho attended one of George Gershwin's parties, given, it seemed, for the sole purpose of letting the host play and show off his music. Someone asked him, "Do you think that Gershwin's melodies will be played a hundred years from now?" "Sure," was Groucho's answer, "if George is here to play them." 7. A tipsy man lumbered up to Groucho Marx, slapped him on the back, and said, "You old son-of-a-gun, you probably don't remember me." Marx glared at him and said, "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." 8. The Marx Brothers, though a closely knit group, also understood their relative values as performers. When they were working on Broadway, Zeppo, the straight man and consequently replacable, decided to quit the show. Sam Harris, the producer, gave him permission to leave. When Groucho, Harpo and Chico heard about it, they went to Harris. Groucho said, "Sam, if Zeppo leaves you'll have to give us more money." 9. Groucho Marx intensly disliked producer Harry Cohn, who worked for Columbia pictures. Once, with his brother Chico, he viewed Cohn's latest film. When the words "Columbia Pictures Presents" came up, Groucho turned to Chico and remarked, "Drags, doesn't it?" 10. Warner Brothers threatened to sue Groucho Marx when they heard that the next Marx Brothers film was to be called "A Night in Casablanca", arguing that the title was too close to their own "Casablanca". Groucho's reply: "I'll sue you for using the word 'Brothers'." 11. During his stint as a comedian in a show called "You Bet Your Life," Groucho interviewed many participants. On one occasion he interviewed a Mrs. Story, who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," Mrs. Story said enthusiastically. "I like my cigar too, " said Groucho, "but I take it out once in a while." {This remark, like many others, had to be cut before the broadcast. On average one and a half hours of live show were cut to about twenty-six minutes of broadcast.} 12. Invited to a bachelor dinner at a fashionable restaurant before a high-society wedding, Groucho and Harpo noted that the automatic elevator opened directly into the dining rooms on various floors. As the elevator went up, they gleefully arranged a surprise for the assembled bachelors and emerged - carrying their clothes in valises and wearing nothing but top hats. To their consternation, they were greeted not by rauscous roars of male hilarity but by high-pitched feminine shrieks. The bride was entertaining "her" friends on the floor above the bachelor dinner, and Groucho and Harpo had pressed the wrong button. No ready escape appeared; they took refuge behind a large potted plant until they could drape themselves in tablecloths secured by a kindly waiter, murmur abject appologies to the horrified ladies, and slink ignominiously from the room. 13. Marx despised the empty cliches of business correspondence. A letter from his bank manager ende with the standard phrase, "If I can be of any service to you, do not hesitate to call on me." Marx immediately put pen to paper. "Dear Sir," he wrote, "The best thing you can do to be of service to me is to steal some money from the account of one of your richer clients and credit it to mine." 14. For many years, every time they met, Samuel Goldwyn's first words to Groucho Marx would be "How's Harpo?" Marx grew rather tired of this. Finally, on meeting Goldwyn again and facing the inevitable inquiry, he said, "Listen Sam, every time we meet - every time for _years_ - you always ask, 'How's Harpo?' You never ask me anything else, and to tell you the truth, I'm getting goddam sick and tired of it. Why don't you ever ask me how _I_ am?" "How are you?" asked Goldwyn obligingly. "I'm fine," replied Groucho. "And how's Harpo?" MARX, Harpo [Arthur] (1893-1964) US movie comedian, the member of the famous Marx brothers team who often pretended to be dumb. He was a skilled Harpist. 1. Among guests at a dinner party were Harpo Marx and his wife, Susan. The English writer Jonathan Miller quizzed one of the other guests afterward, hoping to hear firsthand some of Hapro's witticisms. "What did Harpo say?" he asked. "He didn't say anything." "How about his wife?" "She didn't say anything, either." "Oh," said Miller in pretended disgust, "stealing Harpo's bit, eh?" 2. Meeting George S. Kaufman in New York, Oscar Levant asked if he had recently heard from his friend Harpo Marx. "How can you hear from Harpo?" asked Kaufman. "He can't write and he can't talk, so how can you hear from Harpo?" 3. Harpo Marx on a visit to New York was plagued by representatives of charities wanting him to appear at benefits. One persistant lady telephoned him no fewer than twelve times in forty-eight hours. Harpo eventually agreed to appear for her charity. To ensure that he would not escape her at the last minute, she called to escort him personally to the benefit. As they were leaving the hotel suite, the telephone began ringing. "Don't you want to go back and answer it?" the lady asked. "Why bother?" responded Harpo with a weary sigh. "It's undoubtedly you again." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------ Groucho: You should be great as a picture agent. You've never been able to get yourself a job in pictures. Chico: Well, I nearly got a job one time. In a picture called "The Human Race." Groucho: Yeah? What happened? Chico: Aw, they said I wasn't the type. == "Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know." --Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers" ================================================== ======================= "Go! And never darken my towels again!" --Groucho Marx, "Duck Soup". ================================================== ======================= "Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty." --Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business" == On the old "You Bet Your Life" program, Groucho Marx was getting to know one of his contestants. The man told Groucho that he had 10 children. "Why so many children?" Groucho asked. "Well, I love my wife", the man answered. Groucho paused but a second, then said "I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!" == This morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in them I'll never know!! == Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs. == I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. == If the income tax is the price we have to pay to keep the government on its feet, then alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers. - Groucho Marx == From the moment I picked up his book till the moment I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - Groucho Marx == Mistresses are more common in California - in fact, some of them are very common. It's easier for a man to conceal his mistress there because of the smog. - Groucho Marx == My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I'd been one. - Groucho Marx == Any club that would accept me as a member, I wouldn't want to join. - Groucho Marx == Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. - Groucho Marx == Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. - Groucho Marx == Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx == I didn't like the play but them I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. - Groucho Marx == I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. - Groucho Marx == Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies. Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx == "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx == I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. -- Groucho Marx == I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx == Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx == My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one. -- Groucho Marx == We were hungry when we got to Moscow, Soviet. -- Groucho Marx == What did you do in Russia before you were shot? -- Groucho Marx == You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. -- Groucho Marx == Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. -- Groucho Marx == <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?" "Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning." "She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon." "A man is as young as the woman he feels." "Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." "Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!" "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." "Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse." "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it." "When I take a woman out to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay." "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." "Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know." Woman: "I've never been so insulted in my life." Groucho: "Well, it's early yet." "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?" "I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One man for one woman was good for your grandmother. But who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody. Not even your grandfather!" "Time wounds all heels." "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Questionable Quotes The quotes below are widely attributed to Groucho. However, there's debate over whether Groucho had anything to do with them, including the classic, "Quote me as saying I was misquoted." "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." "There's one way to find out if a man is honest. Ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook." "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."