What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in
France?
Linoleum blownapart.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman
barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything
they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is, except the
smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.

Why did the maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a
fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom
says, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles
up to the bar and announces:
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large
puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So the one flies
over and the other one swims through. Which one gets to the worm
first? The one who swam, of course, because
"Da oily boid gets da woim."

When the teacher told me I was average she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each
other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an
electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"

There was once a very rich man who was a very wonderful person.
Having realized he was getting up in years, he decided to have a
clone made of himself so that his legacy of being a rich, wonderful
person could carry on after his own death.
The clone was made and by the time he was in his teens, he resembled
exactly the man whom he had been cloned from. Only one fault
existed- he had developed a horrible swearing problem. The rich man
realized this and decided it was time to destroy the clone,
after all, he had tried everything to make the swearing end, and he
couldn't carry on his legacy as a wonderful person if his clone kept
swearing like he did. On the next day, he took the clone up to the
highest cliff he could find and pushed him over the edge. When he
finally came down, the old, rich, wonderful man saw that the police
were there waiting for him.
"Arresting me for murder?" he said quietly.
"No, sir," said a policeman,
"We're arresting you for making an obscene clone fall."

Veni, Vidi, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)

"Stressed" is just "desserts" backwards.

Never run out of altitude, airspeed, & ideas at one time.

Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it.

If Athletes get Athlete's foot, do Astronauts get a missile toe?

If at first you succeed, hide your astonishment.

Deja moo: knowing you've heard that bull before