Newsgroups: israel.mail-jewish From: mljewish (Avi Feldblum) Subject: Purim Edition - part 1 of 3 Date: Thu, 24 Feb 1994 08:49:02 GMT ~From: Sam Saal ~Subject: Purim edition - part 1 of 3 Welcome to the Purim edition. There have been quite a few contributions and I hope you enjoy. In addition to the posts in this edition, please see the mail.jewish archives for a couple pieces that are a little large to be mailed. [Sam is being modest here, the piece in question is the 1994 Purim Speil from Sam. A text version is being sent out to you, and also can be found in the Special_Topics directory under the title purim94.txt, or requested by email from the listserv archiver by that title in the main mail-jewish archive area. A Postscript version, which is the best way to view it, is available as purim94.ps in the Postscript directory. The postscript version is too long for email retrieval, so is not available that way. Avi.] Sam Saal ssaal@nyd.legent.com [(P ed)] ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~From: L. Jospeh Bachman ~Subject: the Schlitzer Rebbe and Purim travel guide Readers of mail-jewish may not be familiar with the works of my teacher, HaRav Noach Albert ("Al") Kohol, the Schlitzer Rebbe Sh'ti"ya [may he drink long and hard, not get a hangover, and always have a designated driver available]. He takes the strictest approach to the Law, and his kashrus certification is one of the most reliable in the business. Rabbi Kohol is a very pious and revered sage, who normally does not leave his yeshiva, but once a year at Purim, he gives a public shiur. The following is a transcript of his shiur from last year: A L L F O O D I S T R E I F Davar Purim-torah 5753 by HaRav Hagadol Noach Kohol, the Schlitzer Rebbe, Sh'ti"ya Many of you want to know whether the study of secular knowledge is worthwhile, I have spent the last year studying secular sciences with some of the most famous scientists in the world. Chemists, physicists, biologists, geologists, computer scientists, economists... I have learned from them, and I have found that their knowledge is _crucial_ to the understanding of Torah, and thus I am going to require that every talmid in my yeshiva obtain a PhD in particle physics in addition to learning Torah. "So," you may ask, "what did you find out from these scientists, these 'lab rats,' these secular people, that was _so_ important?" This is what I found: ALL FOOD IS TREIF!!! How can I say that all food is treif? Don't we have a complex system in place to assure that meat is slaughtered correctly, that forbidden ingredients are not present in our food? Don't we have well-trained and pious shochetim and mashgichim? Don't our wives toil hard night and day to uphold the kashrus of the kitchens in our homes? Yes, Yes, YES! But Science teaches us that it's all to no avail. Our food is treif before it even becomes food. Consider that piece of so-called "glatt kosher" meat that you just bought from a supposedly reliable butcher. Yes, the shochet did his job. Yes, the butcher kashered it properly. But think! What are the _ingredients_ of that piece of meat? What is the meat made of? I'll tell you what the scientists told me. That meat is made of CHONS. Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Sulfur The scientists also told me that CHONS is constantly being recycled and redistributed around the world. Your very bodies may be made up of pieces of CHONS that were once part of Mordechai...or part of Haman (may his name be blotted out). That piece of "glatt kosher" meat is made up of CHONS that was probably part of a PIG...or of a dinosaur! And what's true for a piece of meat is also true for a cupcake or a carrot. All food in the world is made up of CHONS, and CHONS is TREIF!!!!!!! What are we to do? First, if all food is treif, and we cannot eat treif food, Torah-true Jews have a bit of a problem. But because we are to live by the laws of the Torah and not starve to death by them, I will invoke the principle of Pikuach Nefesh, and allow you all to eat treif food for the time being. I have composed a short meditation that I recommend saying before one eats treif food, so that we all realize that we are eating treif food so that we can live to observe the Torah. We are not like the assimilated Jews, who eat treif food because it tastes good!!! But this heter to eat treif food is only a short-term solution, and that is the reason why I want my talmidim to study Science. We must immediately begin research into the very secrets of matter itself, so that we may be able to create CHONS that has never before existed in the Universe. Once we do that, we can finally create truly kosher food. The task will be difficult. Not only is food made up of CHONS, but CHONS is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons, neutrinos, quarks, maybe even Higgs bosons! Our research must be thorough and careful to ensure that what we create must never have existed anywhere before. That is our challenge. Every Jew must become a scientist, and every yeshiva bochur must become a particle physicist. Chag Purim sameach." That particular shiur ended with dinner catered by Joe's Chesapeake Crab House and Ma's Dixie Hog Bar-B-Q Pit. So far, Rabbi Kohol's heter still stands. (at least for followers of the Schlitzer Rebbe.) I can't wait to hear Rav Kohol's shiur this year. I hear he's been studying with secular experts on human sexuality. Rabbi Reuben Hodu, Director of Public Affairs The Schlitzer Purim-Torah Institute Rechov Noach 77 Bene-'Araq, Israel (c) 1993 by the Schlitzer Purim-Torah Institute. This Davar Purim-Torah may be copied freely over computer networks as long as credit is given to the Schlitzer Purim-Torah Institute. For commercial use, please contact the author by E-mail. Submitted by Joe Bachman jbachman@access.digex.net A major national environmental organization that also sponsors outdoor outings has just published its 1994 Outings schedule. Those who appreciate backpacking, mountain climbing, and other outdoor adventures will want to sign up for the following outing displayed in their "International" section: TRIP# 10COM613 SINAI WILDERNESS EXPERIENCE 15 Nisan - 15 Nisan Breathtaking wilderness vistas, profound religious experiences, as well as hunger, thirst, and hostile locals will all be in abundance during this 40-year adventure on foot through the famous Sinai Peninsula. Pack animals will carry our loads as we rush away from the overcrowded megalopolis of Lower Egypt on our journey to the land of Canaan. As we leave Egypt we will experience an exciting crossing of the Sea of Reeds and have a serious discussion of wetland preservation issues with local environmental activists. During our trek, we will receive important teachings, learn how to find water in the desert and how to purify unpotable springs. For artisans in the group, we will construct the world's first fully portable, backpackable, ecologically sensitive religious shrine as a group project. Nutritious food will be airlifted in daily, further reducing the loads on our pack animals. Dietary Laws and Sabbath VERY strictly observed. You don't have to be Jewish when you start out, but you will be at the end! Trip Leader: Moses Rabbenu Price: The Egyptians are paying us to leave. Deposit: Please slaughter a lamb without blemish and daub some of its blood on the doorpost of your house. The trip leader will be in contact with you on the night of 14 Nisan. Please be ready to leave immediately. If approved by the trip leader, you or your descendants will be able to participate in companion trip JOSH12TRI, "Canaanite Conquest Caravan" Submitted by Joe Bachman jbachman@access.digex.net ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: Re: mj V11#69 Orthodox Shul Decorum Ben Berliant records how HaShem debates Satan in a drash in which Satan tries to prove that Bnei Yisrael (the Jewish People) are not worthy of being the chosen people. HaShem refutes these arguments one by one. Here is the real reason why it is generally much noisier in an Orthodox shul than in others. When you go to a stranger's house for the first time, you are generally respectful and quit. You sit properly, you don't speak till spoken to, you focus on the host rather than other company you're there with. On the other hand, when you go over to your best friend's house, you raid the refrigerator, you shmooze with other friends that hang out there, you put your feet up. In short, you are comfortable and not in awe. This applies even if your friend is a powerful person in the community. Something similar happens in synagogues. If you don't go to shul that often, as with Reform who only go on Shabbat, you are proper and polite. When you're there several times a week, as do many of the Orthodox, this must be your friend and you kick back, relax with friends, talk with them, etc. thus the difference in decorum. ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: RE: mj V11#72 Hechsherim on Whiskeys and beers Avi Weinstein <0003396650@mcimail.com> points out >...Liqueurs, however which are suspected of having >wine in them do need a hechsher. I don't think beers, also a grain based >beverage, have a hechsher and yet there is no reluctance in serving these >items either. There is an exception to this. I understand the non-nonalcoholic Israeli beer is Kosher for Pesach, even without a Hechsher. It goes by the name "HeBrew." ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: RE: mj V11#73 Funerals and Marriages In a recent issue, Joel B. Wolowelsky (sl14403@llwnet.ll.pbs.org) asks: >Does anyone know a source for the following two customs: >1. Having a "full" funeral for a sefer Torah that was destroyed by fire. >2. A bride and groom not seeing each other for a week before the marriage. Are these questions related? Are we rejoicing at a funeral or mourning a marriage? ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~From: Dan Goldish -- Boston, Mass. ~Subject: Singles ads Purim material for mj JEWISH PERSONAL ADS ------------------- Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27. I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46. Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77. Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup, Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58. Nice Jewish accountant, 31. Looking for a "10", 25-30, 5'-5'6", 95-105 lbs., 36-24-36, area code 212, 718, or 201. I've got your number. POB 1099. Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72. Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the blech. Heimishe balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes. Hurry, it's getting cold. POB 96. Eh, shalom aleichem... So maybe you want to meet me, although all right, you probably don't. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand. My name is Shaya Bochur. POB 55. Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41. Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67. Looking for a great husband? "Mr. Dependable," always there for you. A faithful companion at all times. Your salvation in any emergency. No Saturday or Holiday calls, please. POB 92. Divorced? Looking for someone to play with? Sign on with us, the New York Gets. Games all season. Switch hitters welcome. POB 74. Agnostic dyslexic insomniac male, seeks similar female to stay up all night to discuss whether or not there really is a DOG. POB 83. Can't meet women? Want to meet women? Ready to meet women? Join Amit Women. POB 60. Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50. Businessman, 51, manufactures Jewish novelty items: chai chairs, chai-fi stereos, chai ball glasses, chai jump equipment. Seeks woman with chai standards. POB 13. Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90. Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81. Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to save money by spending yours. POB 27. Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43. Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789. You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA, DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a meeskite. POB 766. Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677. Mama's boy from Brooklyn, seeks wife willing to suffer abuse from my Mommy. POB 424. Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843. Boychik seeking girlchik. POB 617. Tumtumchik seeking androgynuschik. POB 24. What's a menorah without it's shammes? Available Jewish woman, 37, seeks man to light her fire. POB 566. Crossing Delancey? Make a left on Orchard Street. Follow Hester two blocks to Rivington. Turn left on Grand. That's where I live. Come visit. POB 457. Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74. I enjoy long walks, candlelight dinners, sailing, travel to Europe, and I think this ad should be in New York Magazine instead. Sorry. Classy carrot seeking sugar daddy to make tzimmes together. Prunes need not apply. POB 66. I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68. Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78. Jewish man, watches TV on Friday night with time clock, eats fish at non-kosher restaurants, doesn't wear yarmulke at work. Modern Orthodox. POB 98. Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766. Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99. Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322. Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56. Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435. Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658. Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787. Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555. SFDJMBA -- Do I have to spell out everything for you? POB 333. Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43. If I were sour cream and you were a blintze, what kind of filling would you have? Single Jewish woman, loves to cook, wants to satisfy your appetite. POB 987. BT with TB seeks FFB RN with RX of TLC. Initially I'm a nice guy. POB 676. 80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545. I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86. Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53. Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76. I was Queen Esther in my 2nd grade Hebrew school play. Now I'm playing the role in real life. Buy me. Get me. Do me. POB 333. F u cn rd ths, u r stndg too cls. POB 44. I get too hungry for Diva at 8. I love The Phantom and never come late. Won't dish the dirt 'cause it's housework I hate. That's why the lady is a JAP. POB 456. All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655. Yeshiva graduate, 38, handsum, carring, sinsere. Wood make gud huzband. Seeks frum girl with publick schul background to help me with my speling. POB 345. OJM seeks nice Jewish girl. POB 82. OJF seeks nice Jewish boy. POB 83. OJ Simpson seeks TV commercials. POB 84. ----------------------------------------------------------------