Newsgroups: israel.mail-jewish From: mljewish (Avi Feldblum) Subject: Purim Edition - part 2 of 3 Date: Thu, 24 Feb 1994 09:12:42 GMT ~From: Sam Saal ~Subject: Purim edition (Part 2 of 3) ~Subject: The Happiest and Saddest Days in the Jewish Calendar From Prof. Yakar Kannai I heard the following, which may not be new. We learn that "meshnichnas Adar marbin besimha", when the month of Adar comes in we increase our happiness. We also learn "meshenichnas Av memaatin besimha", when the month of Av comes in we decrease our happiness. Nowhere is it written that we stop increasing, or decreasing, our happiness, except for the other saying. We therefore see that starting in Adar our happiness increases monotonically until Av, when it starts to decrease monotonically. We therefore see that the last day of Tamuz is the happiest day of the year, and the last day of Shevat is the saddest day of the year. Contributed by Larry Israel VSLARRY@WEIZMANN.weizmann.ac.il ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: A random assortment of Purim silliness Q: What do you call the pitcher used to hold year-old wine? A: An eshta-kad. Q: Why did Robin Hood and his companions suffer from dehydration? A: They were frequently exposed to the Sharav of Nottingham. I heard that Paul McCartney was set to do a concert in the Jewish Quarter of the Old City in Jerusalem. I was concerned about his effect on the morals of the local youth, but someone reassured me: "Don't worry, he'll be Beatle b'Rova." Q: From what posuk in Tehillim do we see that Noach's youngest son became resigned to the curse his father put on him? A: In Tehillim 145 : "Ashrei Ham she-kacha lo!" Q: Why do we daven only half of the Amida during Mincha on Erev Purim? A: Because then we are accustomed to give machatzit ha-shuckle. Q: What does a German Hasid wear on Shabbes? A: A Yekishe bekkishe Q: What is the origin of the custom of bringing sheep to shul on Shavuos and shechting them for lunch? A: Shavuos is known as "Chag Mutton Torah." Q: Is it permissible for two separate "chavurot" to eat in the same house on the first night of Passover? A: Yes, so long as each is on a different floor of the building. We learn this from the pasuk in Tehillim, "Yoshev b'seder elyon..." I've started a charity fund for itinerant Russian poets - the Alexander Pushke. Q: Why do you have to bentsh after drinking a bottle of Cola? A: Because you're kovea soda. The Jews of China have a unique Chanukah custom. Every night, after kindling the lights, they sing about the difficulties faced and overcome by the country's late revered leader - "Mao's Tzores." Conventional wisdom holds that the world was created by means of the Hebrew language. But it seems obvious that RUSSIAN was the language of creation, as stated explicitly in the very first verse of the Torah: "b'Russit bara Elokim et ha-shamayim v'et ha-aretz." When the North American Free Trade Agreement was approved by Congress, President Clinton was elated, and immediately expressed his gratitude to the Lord by reciting a NAFTA Bracha. **************************************************************************** * Yosef (Jody) Branse University of Haifa Library * * Mt. Carmel, Haifa 31905, Israel * * Tel.: 972 4-240288 / FAX: 972 4-257753 * * Internet/ILAN: JODY@LIB.HAIFA.AC.IL * * "Ve'taher libenu le'ovdecha, VMS" * **************************************************************************** ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: PURIM BASEBALL Spring training is just about here & so we present to you our lineup. SS - Lou Bavitch 2B - Bob Over CF - Chaz Id 3B - Sot More 1B - Gar Err LF - Robby Nute RF - Mayo Sharim C - Benny Burke P - Harry Dee Avi Kolan Avi@meyad.co.il ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~From: Larry Israel ~Subject: Re: Jewish Clothing Brian Sutin asks about the need for tzitzith on hamentashen and on five-cornered garments. He does not ask about five-cornered hamentashen, and rightfully so. A five-cornered hamentash is forbidden. The name for a five-cornered object, "pentagon" is derived from the Hebrew "pen tagun", meaning "lest you fry them." Now we know from this that the five-cornered hamentash is forbidden because of the fear that we may fry them, like doughnuts or pancakes, and thus end up eating them on the wrong holiday. Larry Israel VSLARRY@WEIZMANN.weizmann.ac.il ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: New Kashrut Symbols In the world of hechsherim it is important to stay current with what symbol represents what. It seems that any Reb Tom, Reb Dick, and Reb Harry who has a letterhead and the ability to create some artistically creative permutation of a "K" can give a hashgacha on something these days. Therefore, The following is not an endorsement of any particular hechsher by Mail-Jewish or this writer. IMHO, each individual should contact his/her LOR as to the reliability of a particular hechsher. ~~because of the graphics-deficiency of INTERNET computing, the reader is asked to use his/her imagination in composing the following symbols~~ Barney-K: given on foods where the product itself is kosher, but prehistoric animals are on the package. K-mart: given on foods that are "blue-light specials" that particular day. skull-and-crossbones K: Rabbi Dr. Jack Kevorkian; hechsher given on toxic gases. Ris-K: tzniut certification on food and clothing. JOKe: certification for editorial opinions in the Jewish Observer K.F.C. Kosher For Cherem (a.k.a. Excommuni-K): hechsher given for Jewish computer mailing lists. S.K. (Ess K): for those questionable items which we eat and then try to rationalize that they are kosher. Kay-K: used to certify those mysterious talmudic animals; a.k.a. koy or kvi outside of Litta. OK corral: given to establishments where the food complies with kosher standards, but the square-dancing does not. K-tsalmavet: given to establishments where the food complies with kosher standards and "we got a heter for the dancing" (often picking up "OK corral" hashgachas which have been dropped). Mary-K: hechsher given on cosmetics and make-up approved for Shabbat use. K.U.A. (Kosher Undertakers of America): give supervision to cemeteries. KCKsem (formerly K-tel): gives a hechsher on the content of Jewish music. 640K: used to show supervision on the content of IBM-compatible computer games. KGB: used by caterers where the mashgiach was not good enough for the most righteous, so we sent "one of our's" to look over his shoulder. K9: symbol used to certify dog food as kosher. cough-K: certification given to expectorants which are free of animal-derived glycerin. KKK: symbol used to certify that your kittel has no shatnez (hood and pockets excluded). Bug-K (K inside a worm): used to indicate the kashrut of lettuce and other fresh produce; even if there are bugs still inside the produce, the mashgiach will assure the consumer that he has checked the bugs out and will insure that they will be dying "al kiddush Hashem" during cooking or consumption. K-opectate: used to endorse political candidates "running" for office. Haimish-K: although they don't know much about Kashrus, at least they're Haimish. "Superhechsher" (impossible to draw): Shomer Shabbos/Mashgiach Temidi/Glatt Kosher/Pas Yisroel/Bishul Yisroel/Chassidishe Shechita/Cholov Yisroel/Nisht Gebrokhts/Yoshon Flour Exclusively/Shmurah Matza Exclusively/Absolutely No Kulos/We Keep Shmitta Every Year Even in Chutz L'Aaretz/All Vegetables and Flour are checked for Bugs with Atomic Microscope/Even the grandmothers of our Mashgichim finished Shas (twice): provide supervision to restaurants and hotels Pesach and year-round. by Elliot David Lasson Elliot_David_Lasson@MTS.cc.Wayne.edu ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: gabbai chain Dear Fellow Gabbai: This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been in many major synagogues. Now it has come to you. It will bring you good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you must follow these instructions: * include the names below in your next "mi sheberach". * remove the first name from the list and add your own name at the bottom. * make ten copies and send them to colleagues. Within one year, you will be blessed 10,000 times! This will amaze your family, assure your unbounded success and improve your religious life. In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do not break the loop, but send this letter on today. The illustrious gabbai Itzik J. of New York received this letter and within a year after passing it on was picked as chief gabbai of all New York State! Fred W. threw the letter away and lost all his money on the stock exchange. Judas H. received the letter and put it aside. That week, he forgot to give an aliyah to the shul president (!) and by mistake called only six people to the Torah instead of seven. He found the letter and passed it on, and later that week was acclaimed gabbai of the year. Rabbi Adrian B. did not pass the letter on, and he was told that day that his shul was to be dismantled and he was out of a job! This could happen to you if you break this chain. 1. Dina Sara ben Haman (Shushan) 2. Steven Wendel ben Augustus (Ramallah) 3. Shlomo Shlomo Shlomo ben Shlomo Shlomo Shlomo (Holy Temple) 4. Menahem Israel ben Soussa Mahmoud (Jerusalem) ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: JCL and Creation - the algorithm Author and source is unknown. //CREATION JOB (0000,EARTH),'GOD',PRTY=13,RESTART=EDEN,TIME=1440 //* /*SETUP DISK=PRIMAL //* //JOBLIB DD DSN=UNIVERSE,DISP=(OLD,KEEP) //* //* FOR EXTENDED DOCUMENTATION ON THIS JOB REFER TO MEMBER //* BOOK.ONE, CHAPTER,ONE OF SYSDOC FILE WORD.OF.GOD //* TAMPER WITH THIS JOB AT YOUR OWN EXTREME RISK! //* //DAYONE EXEC PGM=IEBGENER //VOID DD DSN=CHAOS //DAY DD DSN=LIGHT //NIGHT DD DSN=DARKNESS //SYSIN DD * LET THERE BE LIGHT, AND LET DARKNESS BE A SEPARATE DATASET! /* //DAYTWO EXEC PGM=SORT //FIRM DD DSN=HEAVEN,DCB=DSORG=PO //WATERS1 DD DSN=HEAVEN(ABOVE) //WATERS2 DD DSN=HEAVEN(BELOW) //SYSIN DD * LET THE FIRMANENT, CALLED HEAVEN, PARTITION THE WATERS! /* //DAYTHREE EXEC PGM=MERGE //MERGEIN DD DSN=BELOW //MERGEOUT DD DSN=DRY.LAND //EARTH DD DSN=DRY.LANE //BELOW DD DSN=SEAS //FLORA DD DSN=GRASSES.HERBES // DD DSN=FRUIT.TREES //SYSIN DD * SET THE EARTH CONCATENATE GRASS AND TREES /* //DAYFOUR EXEC PGM=IEBUPDTE //SUN DD DSN=LIGHT //MOON DD DSN=LIGHT //STARS DD DSN=LIGHT //SYSIN DD * LET THERE BE PANEL LIGHTS TO INDICATE THE STATUS OF THE UNIVERSE! /* //DAYFIVE DD PGM=IEHMOVE //WHALES DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE //FOWL DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE //SYSIN DD * BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY UNTIL OVERFLOW /* //DAYSIX EXEC PGM=IEBCOPY //MAN DD DSN=GOD.IMAGE //MALE DD DSN=MAN(ADAM) //FEMALE DD DSN=MAN(EVE) //SYSABEND DD DSN=ETERNAL.HELL //SYSIN DD * ALL THE DATASETS NOW EXIST. LET MAN TEND THE CONSOLE AND REPLENISH THE LINE PRINTER AND KEEP HIS MITTS OUT OF THE MICROCODE! /* //DAYSEVEN EXEC PGM=ENTROPHY,COND=((IT IS GOOD,DAYSIX),ONLY) //TIME DD DSN=ETERNITY //SYSIND DD * NOW LET THE SYSTEM RUN, THE PANEL LIGHTS TWINKLE, AND THE DISKS FILL WITH DATA! /* // ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: Pollard is engaged A November issue of The Jewish Week, a NY City Jewish community newspaper, quoted an unnamed NY Jewish single woman's reaction to Jonathan Pollard's recent engagement: "I have trouble getting a date and he gets engaged while in solitary confinement!" ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: Lipton Tea I have seen descriptions of Lipton Tea as being "the Brisk Tea." Does anyone know whether this quality of being "brisk" is inherent in the tea itself, or whether to the contrary it is in the emotional state of the human being who is doing the drinking? Andy Goldfinger andy_goldfinger@spacemail.jhuapl.edu [(something similar contributed by Art Werschulz agw@cs.columbia.edu -p ed]) ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~From: yid@north_dakota.fewjews.edu ~Subject: travel to Brooklyn I will be traveling to Flatbush, NY, in a few weeks. Are there any Kosher restaurants there? Are there any shuls within walking distance? Please reply via email; I'll post a summary. ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: Serious piece of Purim Torah How do we know how tall Moses was. Let us consider the following -- boys are usually taller than their sisters. Now we have reduced the problem to finding how tall Miriam was. To find how tall she was you obviously have to use a Miriam-meter. Now, a myriameter is 10,000 meters, so she must be of that order of magnitude, and Moses must be a little taller. Therefore, Moses was over ten kilometers tall. Larry Israel VSLARRY@WEIZMANN.weizmann.ac.il ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: RE: mail.jewish Vol. 11 #30 rumors and Chivas Regal Has No Wine in it whatsoever in mail.jewish Vol. 11 #30, Avi Weinstein <0003396650@mcimail.com> writes: > It is distressing that unsubstantiated rumors >which are then transmitted to literally hundreds and maybe thousands of >people are so cavalierly and I presume innocently related. .. >If not for this personal interest, I may have believed >the rumor with everyone else, after all when someone comes up with a >figure like 16%, it sounds like they know what they are talking about >which is why they relate the rumor in the first place. Avi makes a good point. As we all know, 73.2% of all statistics are made up out of thin air. Sam Saal Vayiphtach HaShem et Peah Ha'atone ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: car pool to the mikvah Q: What do you call the car pool to the men's mikvah? A: The Ride of the Baal-keries. Mike Gerver gerver@pfc.mit.edu ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: Woody in Egypt Q: Why didn't Woody Allen leave Egypt with the rest of B'nai Yisrael? A: Because he wanted to stay behind and date Farrow's daughter. Ben Berliant, x72032 C14BZB@stelth.nrl.navy.mil ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: re: mj V11#28 Lung Donor needed In mail.jewish Vol. 11 #28 Digest Robert A. Book (rbook@rice.edu) forwarded an article about a Lung Donor needed. I'm confused. > Those who know of a potential donor , please call > 1-800-728--36666. The line is open 24 hours a day, including Shabbat! How would I know who a potential lung donor would be? These are people who are in perfect health but who die suddenly. > Or call me at the ``Forward'', 212-889-8200. [Binyomin Jolkovsky] > LEASE, SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, THERE IS A POTENTIAL DONOR! AS >SUCH, WE MUST ACT NOW! So what do you want me to do? jump in front of a truck????? ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: RE Kiddush clubs, and the missing Vav I do not believe there is a problem with Kiddush clubs. Rather, they should be lauded as people being strict about Halacha. Let's look at the sources: In most Orthodox shuls, davening ends with the singing of "Adon Olam." One of the lines in this song is "Vacharay kichlot ha'kol." There is a vav (conjunction) missing from the last word, but with it, the meaning and mitzvah become obvious: "And afterwards, kichel and (all) the rest." For those unfamiliar with the food (a true shandeh), Kichel is an egg based cookie popular with Ashkenazim. They come in sweet and not sweet varieties and in the days of our ancestors were a staple of Kiddushes in Orthodox shuls. Obviously, the Kiddush club members are medakdek (careful) about this mitzvah. The paradox is that to fulfill this mitzvah, Kiddush club members must leave davening before hearing this part of the song, but this can be resolved by Kiddush club members singing Adon Olam while preparing kiddush. ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: Tahanun and bad weddings Suppose a couple get married, and then get divorced before the week is up. There are a couple of interesting halachic questions involved. The first is whether sheva b'rochos (the special blessings recited after the grace after meals during the first week of marriage, provided that there is a quorum present) are said. Even more interesting is the question of whether or not Tahanun (propitiatory prayers said at the morning and evening services) are said. Ordinarily these are omitted when a benedict in the first week of his marriage is present. If he were to get divorced, we might think that we do not say it. However, there are two reasons to think we should continue. The first is that the prayers are omitted on a happy occasion. If the marriage were so bad that it had to be dissolved during the first week, the happiness of the groom in getting out probably exceeds that of getting married, so we should continue to omit the prayer. A second reason is more a logical one. The prayer is normally omitted in the presence of the groom. If, G-d forbid, the bride were to die, the groom would become a mourner. Now, the Tahanun is also omitted in the house of a mourner. We therefore see that the bride's passing away is not sufficient to cause us to stop omitting the Tahanun. Now, it is obvious that a divorce, as bad as it might be, is not as bad as a person's dying. If we continue to omit Tahanun if the bride is separated from the groom by death, we must certainly continue to omit it if this bride is only separated by divorce. Larry Israel VSLARRY@WEIZMANN.weizmann.ac.il ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: The problem with a Chanukah bush Small child asked his father, " Aba, can we have a Chanukah bush". "No, of course not." said Aba. "Why not?", asked the child. Answered Aba, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness". Bill Thomas billt@core.rose.hp.com ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~Subject: LOMDOS - loads of memory DOS - Microsoft's new OS Have you heard of the new computer security system being developed in London? The product is called Controlled Disk Operating System Input Output (CDOSIO) and the developers claim that once it is installed you don't have to worry about a virus or a hacker getting into your system. However there is a way to foil the CDOSIO, if the virus is a TSR, and stays resident at the same memory page as the CDOSIO API, (API-CO-RES). Normally the CDOSIO would kick out any API-CO-RES by using a technique called read-update verification ie. continually reading the memory page and updating a checksum based on its contents. However the API-CO-RES can use Extended Read Update Verification (ERUV) to get round this. CDOSIO still has not been able to fix this problem, and it looks like the product might be a flop. The company's previous product was an Operating System designed around IBM's SNI gateway, called SNI-OS. SNI-OS had all the usual network add-ons - FTP (Farvos The Pritzus), NFS (Nisht Far Zich) and lots of RAID. This product was aggressively marketed by a subsidiary company in Manchester, formed as a result of a merger between Westinghouse & Tokheim, and was led by that well known CEO, Diane (does anyone get this?), with mailers posted to hundreds of households. West-Heim & Co (as the company is known) felt that the standards it had developed for the SNI-OS product should become the de-facto standard for the entire industry. However other firms did not agree, and as is often the case in this industry, a standards war broke out, with each camp pushing their own. It was generally felt that the West - Heim & Co standards were too proprietary, and not 'open' enough for today's environment, where a mixture of different systems, all needing to communicate with each other is commonplace. West-Heim & Co refused to listen to the marketplace however, and with that kind of attitude, may well go the way of IBM (Ich Bin Meshugge). contributed by Janice Gelb Janice.Gelb@Eng.Sun.COM ----------------------------------------------------------------