Subject:  Quotes

"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' 
I said,'I don't know, let's find out.'"
      -- Don Imus
 
 "CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're
 number three."
      -- David Letterman
 
 "The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages
 that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible
 news for the rap industry."
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the
 U.S.promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked
 the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again."
      -- Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
 
 "President Bush continues to have the highest popularity rating of
 any president ever, current rating 130 percent... In fact, Al Gore
 carries in his wallet a picture of him and Bush at the debates and
 says, 'Yeah, I know him. We used to hang out.'"
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient with the
 war on terrorism. I think we're pretty patient. Election day took
 what, three months?"
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is lobbying now to stay in office
 another three months. And today Clinton said, 'You can do that?'"
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "Today in New York, we had the primary elections for mayor. To
 improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name
 to Rudy Giuliani."
      -- Conan O'Brien
 
 "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport,
 but let's be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your
 last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time."
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe
 if you were an intern."
      -- David Letterman
 
 "The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once
 the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's
 not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard."
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people
 in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers
 Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be
 mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this
 promotion?  What's next -- a ticking alarm clock?  Let's put that in
 a box."
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said
 bin Laden has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in
 a different cave every night."
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken
 restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were
 attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
      -- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
 
 "Security here in New York City is still very tight.
 Hookers in Time  Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID."
      -- David Letterman
 
 "Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the
 Internet  and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus
 were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging
 $2.99 a minute."
      -- Jay Leno
 
 "People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And
 I have to be honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea
 Stadium, instead of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans
 were yelling, 'Others are better than you!'"
      -- Conan O'Brien
 
 "This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have
 three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over
 there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
      -- Jay Leno